The Weekly World Astrologer

Astrologer Discovers Day is Missing Each Week!

You’ve been told all your life - and odds are you’ve believed - that there are seven days in a week. But have you ever stopped to count?

That’s what astrologer Artie Jessup did a few months ago while working an overnight shift as a
reception clerk at a local Hampton Inn - with stunning results: Jessup discovered that there are in fact only six days in the week. Now, after exhaustive mathematical tests by NASA scientists, the astounding discovery has been confirmed.

“This changes everything,” said NASA Public Relations Director, Pinky Bluemon, in a telephone interview. “We had no idea that there were any more discoveries of this magnitude to be made,” he added, “and frankly we’re a little embarrassed that it was an astrologer and not one of our astronomers who made the discovery.”

According to Jessup, the insight came in a flash, after months of calculations and long hours pondering time. “You see,” he said, “I work an eight hour shift every day, but for the life of me I could never account for more than five hours. So where did the other 15 hours go each week?” With such a large chunk of time missing, Jessup wondered if other pieces of the week might be missing, and sure enough, they were.

“We all know how weekends just fly by,” Jessup explained, “and I calculated that we lose about four and half hours out of both Saturday and Sunday. Now, add that nine hours to the fifteen from the week, and what do you have? A full day!”

Not everyone is happy about the discovery. The National Retailers Association has complained that the government should have issued a warning to employers before publishing the results of their study, afraid that they will wind up paying for an extra day off for workers each week. At the same time, union organizers are also concerned that their members have been cheated out of weekend time. One union executive who wished to remain anonymous said that he believed that U.S. workers are now owed a total of six hundred million days off. The four major television networks in the U.S. also have their hands full, trying to adjust their schedules, and ESPN has learned that “Sunday Night Baseball” has never actually existed.