INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana - Jan. 17 - Amidst all the flap about a thirteenth zodiac sign, Regis K. Downlander, an astrologer, amateur astronomer, and hotel clerk, has discovered a thirteenth month in the Julian year.
"I was working the night shift," said Mr. Downlander, "and I was just kind of doodling around with a calendar and a calculator, and all of a sudden there it was right in front of me."
Mr. Downlander sent his findings to to NASA, where astrophysicist Jon Finer had to admit that the astrologer was correct in his calculations. "It's quite a gaffe for the scientific community," Dr. Finer said, "First, that little girl finds a supernova, and now this... we really have to get on the ball!"
Although the actual calculations are quite complex, Mr. Downlander explained it in layman's terms. "You see, there are twelve months in the year, but 365 days, so that means that five days are left over. Then, seven of the months have 31 days, meaning that there are an extra seven days - that makes twelve extra days. Now, we all know days are longer in the summer than the winter, and if you add up the total number of hours, it totals 18 additional days. Bingo! An extra month!"
What to call the new month has been a concern in the scientific community all day. "Since the months September through December are essentially numbered (
September means seventh, October means eighth, etc. - Ed
), it makes sense to add on another one, but no one seems to know what the Latin word is for 'eleven,'" said Dr. Finer.
"We thought about adding a number on the front end, before seven (September), but Christian groups were up in arms at the thought of a month named 'Sextember.'"
Where to put the extra month has also been the cause of considerable debate. Both Major League Baseball and the National Football League have already begun petitioning congress to bring the month into their respective seasons, thereby lengthening them. It appears likely at this point that the powerful National Retailer's Association will demand that the extra month be placed between November and December, thus lengthening the holiday retail season.
People on the street are baffled about all the new changes. "A new zodiac sign, a new month, the world's going crazy!" said one pedestrian, adding that his employer had warned that no matter how many months there are, there would still be only one week of vacation.
